My daughter, Jonah Wynn, was born still.
And I think for the first time in almost 6 months I believe it. This is something I didn’t ever want to face and as I look at the empty crib that is waiting for my baby to rest in, I get it. My daughter, Jonah Wynn, although not resting peacefully in her crib is at home. And now it is time for me to find my way back home as well.
The last 6 months I have spent almost every moment of everyday thinking of how I can keep my Jonah Wynn alive. And I feel in many ways I have succeeded. My friends and family say Jonah’s name and share stories of how she continues to touch their lives, just as she has touched mine. I have even received emails and kind words from strangers telling me how they have completed acts of kindness in Jonah’s memory and I will continue to do the same.
I, on the other hand, although called brave for getting this far, have been changed forever. I grieve for my daughter and I grieve for myself for losing my daughter and many people tell me I will eventually get back to being myself. But I realize – I have been changed forever.
There is a light…I finally realize that work is not everything. I appreciate my family and circle of friends. I feel connected to those around me even if I have never met them. I have a better feeling of social responsibility. I understand the importance of being present. I study my husband and children as if it’s the last time I will see them. I value more than ever the parent-child relationship and feel so privileged to have been blessed with the kindest parents in the world. I may have been changed forever but I have been changed for the better. I thank Jonah Wynn for this.
I asked for Jonah Wynn for several years, I carried Jonah Wynn for 9 months, and I will now carry her in my heart for eternity. And as I strive to keep Jonah’s memory alive I realize that I also need to do the same for myself. So, I have decided to take 27 days, months, years, or whatever it takes to help with my own healing. I promise to make a positive change in my life each and every day for as long as I shall live. Now let the healing begin.
Day One: Start a gratitude journal.